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Saturday, February 28th, 2009
2:18 am - 3 months gone by....
seriously? has it been 3 months already?

I just read my last post and it seems like yesterday...although so much change has happened since. I guess I should first start with, I have a new job now. I've been working at it for almost 3 months too. And...well...I don't like it. Totally not what I want to do at all. At least when I was at the Ballet I was in LOVE with the Ballet. Just walking into that building everyday I felt special. I shared something millions of people in the world wish they were in my exact position. I was important..even if some people didn't think so...I was part of one of the greatest NY arts organizations. Now I just suck. I don't even have a title...no idea what my job is...I just go in day after day and do whatever my boss tells me to do. So, um, yesterday I was cleaning the rat shit in the warehouse again. How in the world did I land myself here!!! A few months ago I was special! Now I'm cleaning rat shit in park slope brooklyn??!! I walk out of work and I tear up sometimes. I'd admit..feeling a bit depressed. Turning to my worse enemy. Junk food. I've been eatting way too many chocolate chip cookies lately and sugar in general...and yes even dairy!! I'm feeling it...and seeing it. I think I've gained a few pounds. Talk about another depressing factor. When is this going to end? When I am going to love waking up every morning and doing something amazing! Someday I swear I will change the world!

Meantime, here are the positive sides. I'm going to get my personal training certification!! No clue if this is something I'm going to enjoy doing but, hey, I'm using my body and help other people feel good. Sounds amazing to me! I have my program set up and all these ideas running through my head on how to market myself. I think it's all going to come thru! Just keep geting through each day at this other place (which I need to say I'm extremely grateful for, it's paying my bills, and there are many people out the right now who don't have any job).

Ok so half way thru this post the fire alarm start going off in my building...it's 2:30 in the morning and of course this is my last night living alone proably ever! go firgure.

Which brings me to the next positive point. Tomorrow I'm taking one of the biggest steps I've taken in my life so far, Hyde is moving in.


He's going to be living at my apartment for 2 months while we both save money for taxes and for our very own apartment! In 2 months we'll be finding a place of our own. HUGE STEP! This just might be the last time I'm ever living alone again. I can't express how excited I am...and scared..but really happy.

I'm so in love.

I can spend every minute of every day with Hyde. But the best part is, I never have to. I can do anything I want with him. I can be anything I go, go anywhere I want and I know he will be there. There's never a time I feel I have to scrafice any part of me or compromise a dream of mine...he's always right there living it with me. He amazes me.

Life isn't bad right now, it's actually good. But I'm on this road of hard work where I know by 2010 it will be that much better. It will be amazing and I can't wait! The hard work will finally pay off.

Cheers to 2009 and hopes for living the dream in 2010.

current mood: excited

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Sunday, November 30th, 2008
1:19 am - big changes in little time
I keep trying to write in my journal...but at the end of these days where you are so emotionally drained, you don't have the energy to relive it.

Start with Thursday, Thanksgiving? Mom kicks Dad out of the house and decides to cancel everything. So much I can say on that subject but what I'd like to remember is me on that day. Somehow I got this stength to pick up and save the dinner. In the meantime also take care of sick Gina and calm Nonna down.

Grew a few years older that day.

Today, nonna's 80th birthday party. I just didn't know what to say. There were many emotions but words couldn't express.

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Monday, November 10th, 2008
1:10 pm - What a Weekend.
To debrief quickly.

Friday was 1 year since me and Hyde had our first date. We went to this get-a-way bed and breakfast up in westport NY. It looked like a ghost town but this place we stayed in was wonderful. Cute and cozy. The Library Inn.

We enjoyed a fun day of hiking the Coon Mountain, a great dinner at the Deer Head Inn, and a night of pure fun.

Sunday was different. We SHOULD have went straight home or to visit my sister in New Paltz and watch the Titans. Instead, we took a brisk trip to Mohegan Sun Casino. All I have to state is that I did great! I won $110!!! The mistake was loaning it to Hyde to try to win some of the money back that he lost. It was just pure awful. We both walked out of that place absolutely in disillussion of what just happened. Lessons learned big time. Hyde is no longer allowed in Casinos.

Overall the whole experience brought us closer. I woke up next to him this morning with a huge smile on my face. I was totally content (enough though we had to squeeze on a little couch). I was happy. It was a wonderful sleep. I wouldn't trade our experiences for te world...unless you put it all on Red and double it.

Life is changing. Its all good change but a little scary/exciting. Its like I really have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But as long as I can wake up next to Hyde each morning I think I'll get through anything.

Here's to the future.

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Friday, November 7th, 2008
12:44 am - Things to talk about
Every night this week I've wanted to write in my Journal. But then you get home and you're just so tired to sit down and form any more thoughts. I've done enough thinking for the day and starring at words, let alone starring at a computer screen.

So let me make some bullet points:

Election: Tuesday was an incredible, monumental day in history. Our first Black President. But honestly, it wasn't even the race card that made Obama's win so special. It was that fact that we have a true geniune person in a politic office. (At least that's how I see it). For the first time on Tuesday night, I was proud to be an American. I felt hope for this country, for all of us. I felt excited to hear what is in store for us next. I look forward to Obama's future talks and actions that he will take. We are all Americans again.

Our Anniversary: Tomorrow is me and Hyde's 1 year anniversary. 1 year from our first date. I don't know if that's exactly what you're supposed to call an anniversary but it's what we've been celebrating. As far as I'm concerned, anniversaries are just a designated day to love each other just a little extra. And what's wrong with that?

Going to have to finish this post tomorrow.....

My old job:

My new job:

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Monday, November 3rd, 2008
11:23 pm - The day of change...
I just find it ironic. Last year, on this exact day, I made a huge change in my life. It was the day I left David. Looking back a year, it was a huge risk at the time. I didn't know if I was making the biggest mistake of all. I had a gut feeling that this was the right thing to do and went with it. I haven't looked back since. Letting go was probably one of the hardest things I had to do, but it was right. More opportunities have opened since and my life had turned into something completely different. No regrets.

Today, exactly one year later, I had to make the same type of decision. I let go of my job. Another love in my life with a bitter-sweet ending. I also thought I was a lifer with this company, couldn't imagine working anywhere else. But it was holding me back. As soon as I had it in my head that I wanted to let it go, so many more opportunites opened up to me. Friday I was offered an amazing new job! More money, more creativity, more fun! I'm really very excited for this new chapter. I think my life is going to change again, for the better. The new and improved.

The lesson learned: You can't hold onto sometime just because you're afraid of what life is going to be life without it. Sometimes, it's the one thing that's holding you back in life. There's so many wonderful things out there waiting to happen, but you need to sieze them! Sometimes it's okay not to double guess yourself, it's okay to just go on your gut feeling, even if it seems crazy at the time. There's a reason you're having these feelings and you shouldn't ignore them. Some people do, and they can get by. But when you follow your gut, your heart, you're more fulfilled then you could ever imagine.

I'm whole and happy. And in Love. With Life!

current mood: accomplished

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Saturday, October 18th, 2008
5:50 pm - 2 hours later...
On the bus again...

I want a life that's in one place. I hate traveling to 12 locations everyday. I need things to be more convenient. This is how I burn myself out. I literally run everywhere. Nothing gets done, my apt is a mess and I don't even have my own room. I want to live where I follow my rules and my rules only. I'm getting tired already and I'm just trying to stay focused. I made goals for myself these 3 months and its time to fill them.

I need something new...permanently...something that's my own.

current mood: unsettled

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3:17 pm - bus ride
I'm thinking I want to leave NY again. Only been here a week and I feel like there is nothing here for me. Except Hyde that is and he doesn't want to stay edither.

I just don't know.

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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
12:29 am - I'm still mad
I can't seem to knock it, I'm still upset about the whole roommate/boyfriend living situation. And here is what upset me most and is what is keeping me going. I realize Hyde's not actually on my side...and why not? Today we spoke again, mind you he's had 2 days to think about how ridiculous this is, and yet he STILL doesn't see why I would be so angry in the first place. Why is he still "sorta" taking Pat's side? Why is he being manipulated into thinking this is a "good idea?"

You know those points in life where an event happens and you just look at someone differently and go "who are you?"

Out of the, almost, year me and Hyde have been dating I never once had a moment like that. I never once had a moment where those secret alarms go off "warning, warning, is this guy for real?" You know what I'm talking about right? Warning signs that tell you "hmm, maybe this work out the way I hoped, or maybe I don't know this guys as well as I thought". I mean I've had so many of those with past relationships. They tell you deep down, this is not the guy for you. But never had even the remote thought with Hyde, until maybe now? Maybe?

It just really upsets me how he can be so persuaded by a more dominant character. Pat's a demanding/coniving person in his own way. He's not a jerk he's worse, he's a smooth talker. He's sweet and innocent about how he makes his approaches, but deep down there's an underlining motive. He knows what he wants and know how to get it. Hyde is the character who always gives anyone the benefit of the down. True to heart and extremely genuine. He's the perfect victim for people like Pat. Hyde will be easily persauded in to pleasing the other person even if it means sacarificing "common sense"?? Why can't he stand up for his own? Why can't he just say "hey man, I understand what you're saying and why you might be saying it, but your request is commpletely unreasonable. If this is really what you want then I need to tell Marisa she'll have to find someplace else, bc she is not able to meet your resquest". He should be trying to "sweet talk" me into working something out when there's nothing to work out to being with. I don't have money, so there's no money to bargin with. If you are going to be a stickler about it, all you're doing is putting me in a difficult situation where I will have to find other means of living. Period! You don't even have to be mean when you say it, but say it. Make a point that "this is not just, and we aren't accepting it".

So there I was, listening to Hyde speak and thinking, is he always going to be a pushover like this? Is he just going to always try to please the other person when he should be on my side? Why doesn't he at least see that Pat is not being fair? Can't he see what a fair decision is anymore? Fear strikes. Now what?

So much has changed for me and for him over these past 3 months. In so many ways it's brought us closer. It's given me the chance to heal, re-coop, and re-focus myself. It's given him the chance to do the same, to get motiviated and focus on what he really wants to be doing. Now we'll be reunited in a week and a half. How much of that independence is he still going to want? There's a difference btw being an individual, and being single. Being in a relationship requires being together, making compremizes out of love. What's wrong with wanting to always be with 1 person? What's wrong with looking forward to seeing someone at the end of the day? Isn't it ok to think about someone and always have a big grin across your face? Does that mean you aren't you anymore? Does that mean you have to give up a part of yourself? If anything, I feel like I've found myself even more. Not only do I know who I am, I know who I'm not. Hyde fills in all the "nots". I know we say this to each other, and it might some corny, but I honestly feel complete when I'm with him. He's everything I'm not, and everything I am, and everything I want to be. He's not perfect, as I've described, but I love him. And as I type all this, and wonder about how he feels, I just have this feeling that I know he's thinking the same thing. Whether he wants to admit it or even better, he might not even know what those feelings are. Some people don't know how to be in relationships, how to give of themselves for good.

Overall I've had enough typing tonight. I hope to have let enough out for me to sleep soundly.

Sigh::::: I miss him. Please don't change, the person you are.

current mood: worried

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
12:17 am - The Best Out of a Bad Situation
What's a good week without a little excitement? Beats me.

So last night I find out that I'm basically homeless for the next month. Apparently I'm not able to live with my boyfriend in his own apartment. Non to do with my boyfriend however his roommate had a different idea. An idea that was so ridiculous that I could right a book on how many reasons he was wrong by asking of me. So, I just won't mention it. Bottom line, I won't be living there.

The good news is, everything works out for the best. Honestly, maybe this was a sign that me and Hyde aren't ready to live together. We're still on 2 different schedules doing out our thing. Being literally on top of one another might cause a lot of tension and "arguments". We never fight as is and I wouldn't want to start all these little bickering. I like our relationship as is. And when the time comes that we are ready to move in together it will just be me and him, in our own 4 walls, with no "third party" influence to drive us crazy. We can do that to each other if we so please.

You might be wondering where I will be living. Well, in my apartment. Just me, my roommate, my subleter and her boyfriend. One big happy family. I think it's going to be fun! I'll be sleeping on the couch of course as I can't afford to actually pay for any of the rooms in the apartment. But it will be mind non-the-less. I'll have access to all my cooking equipment and that's that. Thanks to the wonderful Elyse all this is possible. So glad I actually have friends that care and understand.

Things aren't doing well financially for me right now and I'm living by the skin of my teeth. I'm racking up a credit card bill like no other and soon I really won't have any access to cash. I just have to see how things play out. I'm hoping for this promotion/raise once I get back to work and all should go as planned as they've already been making plans to move everyone up. And they already hired someone below me so makes sense right?

Believe that things will work out and they will. Meanwhile I'm still working on the Gala here. I can't wait for it to be over but then that means I have to go back to reality. So I kinda want to enjoy all this while it last meantime I'm working like a dog trying to get everything done in time. Catch22. =(

When I got back to NY I'm going to look into how to become a dance teacher. I want to dance and it's all I want to do. Everything else I feel like I'm just wasting my time. Like the clock is ticking until I can dance again. So just do it!

Enough of this. I really need some good sleep.

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Sunday, September 28th, 2008
10:52 pm - A 62 foot Yacht
Yea. Remember yesterday's posting where I was talking about how sick I was? So when I tell you what I did today you might not believe it.

I woke up feeling much better, but still couldn't hear anything. So the day started with diakkon shots. Not kidding. A diakkon is a type of root (like a radish) that works excellently in decongesting you. So after not being able to hear anything for 3 days, I finally decided to chew some raw diakkon. Within just a few bites all of a sudden I start feeling a poping in my ear. Mind you I've been trying to do EVERYTHING to get this fluid to move for 3 days now. I keep chewing and chewing and my nose starts running. Within the first blew, POP, I can hear again. It was pretty remarkable. I reccommend this for anyone who has sinus/congestion problems. It's also an excellent detoxer and can help the body loose weight (mind you because it helps get rid of all the toxins).

So I can now hear again and feeling MUCH better. Ginny says she's going to meet a potential client on a boat of his. She's planning not to stay look but just wanted to make an appearance. So I say, yea sure the water and sun can do me some good. We show up to this boat. No I'm sorry, it was actually a 62 foot yacht. But no one else is there. It's just me and Ginny and this 40yr old guy whom she's never even met before. We're going off a "good word" that a friend of Ginny's put in. So we get on this HUGE boat house, and yes he does actually live in it. Prefers this over his farmhouse, but of course. We find out this boat was actually once under water. It had SANK! He's been rebuilding the entire boat from scratch himself. Well it looks awesome, but not quite finished yet. Me and Ginny don't really know what to think. So he starts pulling out of the dock, we're going saling! Down Old Hickory Lake we go, me and Ginny on a sunkin ship with a middle aged man we've never met. I turn to her and go "why do you always get me into these situations". It's seriously always an adventure! So we're laying out in the sun, drinking a beer, crusing along. This guy is so confient he isn't even steering the boat half the time.

He points to a map of Old Hickory Lake, "here is where we are and here is where we're going". I'm sorry, I didn't know I signed up for a cruise. We were littearlly moving in one direction for over an hour. Mind you we got to the boat at 4:30. It's about 6:00 now and we're across Tennessee, and the sun is setting. He was docking at this restuarant to eat. Um, okay. I really had no idea about any of these plans. So we had a nice little fish dinner, which he treated us to, and now it's like almost 8 and it's pitch black. We need to cruise at least another hour back to the docks. Oh, and there are no lights on the boat. "We don't need lights where we're going"....oh okay excuse me.

So clearly he did turn out to be a nice guy, mind you some odd social skills. But seriously, why is the "mother" putting me in these situations? After all that I did have a good time. The view was georgous, the meal was very yummy, and the entire cruise back I'm dancing on this huge boat to regaee hits. "Jamacia mon". All thanks to Ginny. I don't know how she does it.

I feel much better today. My cold is almost completely gone, and I can hear!! Can't wait to see what I don't have planned for tomorrow.

I really need to cherish days like this and remember them forever. You rarely going to find yourself in these ridiculous situation so be sure to write them down and reflect on them. This is life, this is adventure.

current mood: impressed

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Saturday, September 27th, 2008
11:06 pm - Another day
It's getting late, I'm ready for bed. It has been 6 full days of me being SICK!!

Cold, Flu? Phemonia? I don't know but make it stop =(

Why am I always sick around my birthday? It stinks. I had to cancel my plans to go out in Nashville tonight. What a bummer!! I was so looking forward to going out with all my "new friends". Meanwhile, I rented 3 movies today and watched them all, while in bed or cough up a storm on the couch. Not my idea of a fun Birthday. I mean, I guess I had plenty of celebrating last weekend, but still. So back to that whole Phenomia thing (yea I don't know how to spell it) but I ain't kidding. Ginny says if I'm not better by Monday she wants to take me to a doctor to make sure thats not what I have. Ok, for those words to come out of her mouth you KNOW it's serious!! She says she really doesn't think that's what it is but just wants to make sure she didn't over look anything. Meanwhile, I'm doing everything I can, but I'm just going to have to let this one ride out. After all, it's that time of year. I rather be getting a bad cold than an IBD outbreak! So technically, it's all realitive.

I've just felt kinda depressed all day, again. Well, no one I'm sick! But just re-evaluating everything I've learned since I've been here. There's so much going out worldwide these days it gives you a lot to think about. I mean, I spent 2 months working on my health and figuring out what I need to do to take care of myself. Let's not use this week as the example. But I've learned so much and I really do feel more secure that I know how to live, wholely, and healthily. But one thing I haven't quite figured out yet is, what am I supposed to be doing with my life?

At one point I was so motivated with everything that was going on here at Ki of Life that I just really wanted to be a part of it. It sounded so simple. Move to Tennessee, live simply. Pay less rent, food is less, clothes are less, people are nice. It really is great! I had a whole plan. I'd work for ki of life, raise all the money in the world so they can help more and more people. Than get a job as a dance teacher on the side. I'd be dancing and saving the world. I really don't think I can get more inspiring than that.

Why does that still not feel like the answer. Maybe an answer for later on, but not now. I don't know what's with me. Everytime I go back to NY I feel different. I get this different type of motivation like there is something bigger out there. Something very specific I'm supposed to be doing and I'm not quite there. On the right path but I keep getting lost, like I'm spinning in circles and keep missing which door to go through. There's so many doors I get confused. Each can have a wonderful opportunity behind than but which one is the one for "Marisa". I wanted to go back to NY with a specific plan. All written out. Unfortunately that hasn't happened yet.

I came across this website, you know randomly NYU's website on Dance Educators. Why don't I just become a dance teacher? Why can't I bring myself to do this? I know I'll be good at it once I get back into it. It will keep me active and make my schedule flexible enough so I can take care of myself. And most of all, I'd be so happy day after day walking into that dance studio. I just want to do it already!!

Money? Time? Money? Oh and Money.

God, please send me the money to 1- live 2- dance. I guess they both go one in the same.

Goodnight to all.

P.S. Please let this lotus root tea clear up my crazy congestion and irrating cough!

current mood: sick

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Friday, September 26th, 2008
4:51 pm - blackberries
Yay! Verizon Wireless has finally done something right and fixed my internet. Now I can post from my phone.

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Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
5:56 pm - My 25th Birthday
I'm sitting here right now in Hyde's apartment. I just woke up from a nap. Not because I decided to pamper myself on this joyous occassion, but because I have a massive Cold.

Go firgure.

I just spent 2 1/2 months in another state, away from my life, doing volunteer work to better myself, my soul and diet. Now here I am having to enjoy yet another Birthday being SICK!! Haven't I been sick enough on my Birthday?? I mean, it couldn't even wait another couple of days at least? Give me that curtouesy.

Anyway, I can't really say I'm miserable, just maybe a little dissappointed. I had a wonderful weekend and celebration. Friday and Saturday I spent out on the town, living it up, being the life of the party. Friday night was a friend's 30th Birthday out on a boat cruise. Saturday was my own birthday bash by the South Street Seaport. Planned by my wonderful boyfriend, I was surrounded by people who truly cared about me. It was really nice.

I guess I enjoyed being in NY so much that I decided to miss my flight on Tuesday and stay a few extra days. Actually, me and Hyde were actively working on a video documentary for the Ki of Life Gala. Geez, that's all I work on these days. We realized if I left the next day there would be no way we'd be able to finish everything. So, with Hyde's influence, and the decision to be spontaneous, I decided to go with my instincts, I stayed! Monday night was amazing, that feeling of just living. Of not having any rules to go by, just your pure impulse of life. Staying with Hyde I couldn't regret. I love him more and more everyday.

I want to talk more about what it's like being 25. But I just can't handle keeping my eyes open. I'll be back later.

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Sunday, September 14th, 2008
10:55 pm - My head hurts
All day, I've had this pounding head-ache. Supposedly my gallbladder is acting up. I don't even know what you're gallbladder does!! So I asked and it breaks down oils. Hm, okay. Well stop bugging me!

I've also had this weird feeling all day, just kinda depressing. Could be the weather. It rained all day and it really doesn't do that at all here. But that made it kinda of nice, refreshing.

Went for a nice long walk with Ginny, our usual golfcourse route. Than went shopping with Amy (Hyde's cousin). Bought a new Mac eyeshadow. I'm so addicted. Did mostly window shopping as I'm poor as hell. Can't wait to start working again, need to make some $$$.

Had a really really stressful week with trying to get all the KOLLC Gala invitations out. I just can't believe this is what I'm doing here, I'm supposed to be here to rest, not do what I do back home. But it should be better next week. Have plans to finish out what I came here to do. Want to focus on making sure I'm doing everything I can for myself in the next month, because it's not like I'm going to take this time for myself again (in a long time).

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Kinda confused, lonely, maybe sad? I miss people. I miss NY, I think. I'm confused.

current mood: confused

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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
12:14 am - What am I doing?
This past weekend I took a trip out to NYC. Yes, it was possibly the oddest trip I've ever taken. When do you ever get to "vacation" to your own home? I had been living in Tennessee now for 55 days. That should be a record somewhere. I was peaceful, I was calm, and I was starting a new life here in some way. Then, all of sudden I travel back to the life I left. It was really odd, like a dream. First I almost felt like the past almost 2 months never happened. Like I had just woken up and smacked with reality. I wanted to go back to Tennessee, I was really liking it here. First thing I did there was run to Hyde's arms. It was 25 days since I'd seen him and it was unbareable. But things were different, he was living his life here and I was living my life there and all of a sudden we meet again. It took us a while to believe that we were finally here, together. But we caught on, and when we did it was magical. We fell in love all over again, but this time deeper. I now know so much more about him and his life, his family, his roots. And I knew so much more about me, my hopes, my wants, my goals. I saw my same home, my old life, except clearly with understanding. Things weren't flashing before my eyes, I was able to enjoy every moment, and so I did. Friday night we went to a macro dinner and then latin dancing. I felt great! I felt happy, I felt complete finally. It was probably one of the most amazing nights I've had. Saturday we slept in and woke up to a rain storm, it was peaceful, amazing, romantic. I cooked, he cleaned, we were complete. I finally felt as if that sometime I've been missing this whole time was filled. Sunday was another great day. Lovely brunch with the parents (yes I really mean that). We had a great time. Than opening season of NFL (I'm now a big fan). And than a wonderful wedding. I ate, I danced, I drank, I really had the time of my life. Monday came and I had to leave again. I didn't understand, where was I going? I felt like I was finally truly home. Why am I leaving? Am I really supposed to be doing this?

So many things have been going through my mind since. I'm just confused. For the past 2 months I've been thinking that maybe I could make a life for myself here, in Nashville. Maybe I could work here for this amazing organization. I could be in charge of something big and important. I could be responsible for actually making a difference in the world, one life at a time. It felt so good to be working, it felt so good to be helping them move up. How can all that change in one short (amazing) trip? I guess sometimes life just works that way. One things for sure, I refused to think that I'm back to square one. I feel like the expereince of this weekend alone, has allowed me to grow to that next knotch. I feel more opened to things, I feel wiser, more grown up. Maybe I'm still unsure what I want to do as far as career choices but I feel like I know what I want in life. I know what's good for me ans what's bad for me and I'm learning how to make choices that only benefit "me". Who else should I be looking after?

I have so much more to think about. As it's getting late and I lay in bed, I feel sad. I'm not sure why but I could make some guesses. 1 is definitely Hyde. I've never felt so incomplete when I'm away from him. There's sometime special there when we're together. I feel like we're a team, he's my partner. Without him I'm just lonely. Even if we're in the same room not talking, doing our own things, we're connected, we're at peace knowing the other one is there. I'm so happy, I'm so in love. Life is so simple.

As I was saying, I have so much to think about. Most importantly I'm feeling good. I'm eatting good, and I'm dancing. Tomorrow, we go back to class. I have a goal, a mission, I'm going to do this for myself.

current mood: sad

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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
12:50 am - life in tennessee
I am lucky. Possibly the luckiest girl in the world.

So many wonderful things have been introduced to me recently and I just can't embrace them enough. I'm so glad I did this trip for myself. I think this is what my life was missing all this time...these life altering, character building experiences. I can honestly and proudly say "I am happy". Each day is enjoyable. Everything I do I'm content with. I feel strong, I feel empowered, I feel health. I am all of the above.

And I'm blessed with this company. The people I'm with, the people I meet, and the friendships I'm making. I have friends! I'm learning who those truly are and who I want to keep around.

I miss my family. I only wish they could be here with me, experiencing what I am. They are great, above all.

current mood: sleepy

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Monday, August 25th, 2008
1:34 am - Up Close and Personal
So that's the movie I watched tonight. That is, after doing lots of activities this weekend, I felt really good and had a lot of fun. Wnat better than a great romantic love story. So, I thought. The movie turned out to be upsetting. He dies at the end!! Ok, I hope I didn't give it away for anyone. They had this amazing connection and the story of how she begin her career was extremely interesting. And than, he's no longer with her. The upsetting part is how I connected with this movie throughout. Funny how you can always relate you're own life issues to fancies. Actually it means that all these stories need to come from somewhere. They were both in the News business and both reporters. He supported her from the start and made her into who she was meant to be. As soon as she was amazing on her own two feet, he took off to conquor his own dream. She was doing his thing, he was doing his thing. Turns out, he was never going to come back to his life. Luckily, she had become so strong that she was able to continue with her own life no matter how devastating her loss was.

Can this be reality? I'm sitting here thinking, can 2 people in a relationship go off and each do what they are supposed to do, but separately? I'm thinking yes. Then I watch this movie and he ends up dying doing it and then I'm thinking No. Okay, truth is, no matter how wonderful the people are that come into your life, no matter how complete they make you, you can't base your own life around than. I can't believe I'm saying this. But just like the movie went, what if one of those people isn't supposed to be around for long? You must always be strong enough and supportive enough to give going with your own life. You can't full depend on any other human being other than yourself to be happy and complete. That includes family members, husbands, and closest friends. You need to be able to keep going under all circumstances. As hard as it may be.

Being away from Hyde is a brand new experience for me. I miss him so much that it hurts. And what makes it worse is that I don't know how long it will be for. But what I do know, is that I can't be worrying about it. I'm here where I am for a reason. I'm here to work on me and care for me. I'm here to figure out what it is that makes me happy without counting on another person. I'm here to learn how to live with only me and give me the strength to conquor my own dreams. It just might be that for a while I will have to be in one place and he in another. I need to be okay with fulfilling my own destiny and trusting that things will end the way they are supposed to. I'm thankful enough for just having him in my life. I wouldn't want him doing anything other than what he's doing now, and I know the same goes for him.

So, on a closing now, watch Up Close and Personal if you want to relate to true love being swooped from under your feet, but still being empowered to keep living your life.

Enough of that, it's too late and I want to sleep bug free tonight.

current mood: sleepy

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Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
10:05 am - Ginny my lifesaver...again...
So its 5am and I'm awake. Not because I'm sick or just have a lot on my mind, but because I opened my eyes and realized A BIG ROACH/BEATLE WAS CRAWLING ON ME! Talk about your worse nightmare...it took me a couple of seconds to realize it wasn't my imagination playing tricks. There was a HUGE insect right there in my bed.
I mean when I realized what was going on I screamed. Who wouldn't???? Ginny wakes up of course meanwhile I'm running out of the room before she even gets there. She finally caught the thing after moving the bed all around and changing the sheets.
"But but but but how but how but how did it get in my bed" was all I could say as I shivered like a freak on the floor. The idea of the whole thing is more tramtizing then anything.
I just can't believe this all just happened. Way too much excitement for one night.
My body is in shock...not a macro way of waking up.

current mood: distressed

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Thursday, August 21st, 2008
1:13 pm - Big Observation...
If I haven't mention yet I'm sleeping through the night. Night after night. There are few exceptions but I have not been able to do that for years! Since college? Maybe before?

Its amazing to wake up in the morning and feel ALIVE..and awake.

And content :)

current mood: awake

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
2:33 am - oh yea...just one more thing
After all that I'm learning, all that is changing and all that's being discoverd (good or bad), I have felt more like myself then ever before.

current mood: peaceful

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